That crushing feeling inside of you that daily torments you into feeling this burning mental torture. The thing that creeps up on your psyche in every situation adjusting your mentality to only view the negatives. When everyday is seemingly a nightmare filled with uncertainty and panic and all you want is to remove the constant and to stop your mind from its unbroken cycle.
But you can’t. You so badly want to. But you can’t.
You see for those who don’t suffer from a fear that persistently magnifies your perception of life, the cure seems simple. Send them to a therapist or to a counsellor, or prescribe them the antidote to summon their sub-conscience…
But it just isn’t that easy.
It’s basic for the average human to say that once you’ve spoken about your feelings or once you’ve acknowledged why your hurting everything will seem purer. Life will seem happy again and your mind will focus on the positives that the world provides you.
But it’s when they use the term ‘mental health’ and they begin to tell you that you’ll be referred to a psychologist, that’s when everything changes. That’s when the doubts comes into play. That’s when every part of your being halts you from accepting the help because you refuse to believe that you need support and guidance. When you’re so overwhelmed by your thoughts that you continue to develop in trivialising the situation, and you continue to not listen to your own inner being. You don’t want to believe that you need help.
You don’t want to admit that a part of you feels like it’s slowly dying. And you don’t want to acknowledge that this thing, this illness has over taken your life.
The truth is your scared. Scared of that stereotypical statement. Scared to share the thoughts that repeatedly spin in your head. And scared to admit that in order to regain a fresh mind, you need help. So instead you decide to conceal every emotion, every thought, just to try to feel normal. To attempt to convince others that you’re “okay. ”
But how normal can you be when your mentality doesn’t feel sane? Or when your life seems to be a constant disappointment because all that seems to haunt you, is the woeful atmosphere that surrounds you and the unhappy events that seem to attack you over and over again?
You can only portray this facade until your mind becomes to full too handle anymore communication. Only until your lack of living becomes so poor that you don’t feel at comfort leaving your house. Only until you stop living because it seems easier than having to confront your mentality.
How do I know this? Because this person is me.
For so long I was sure that I was okay. That my thoughts were the same as anyone else’s my age. That I was too young to be going through this pain. That I was being over dramatic, and that my perception was being influenced by the unfortunate circumstances that life had thrown and that I knew would continue to throw.
Until I realised that it didn’t make sense…
Yes I had gone through rough patches. And yes there were what some may class as traumatic events that had occurred. But that didn’t explain my fear of people. My fear of not locking the door. My fear of being alone.
My fear of myself.
Over time my mindset just deteriorated to the point where I didn’t want to leave my house because I was terrified of the world. Terrified of the society we live in. Terrified of being judged. It even got to the point where I felt that if I never had to leave my house again I’d be okay because I knew that, that way no one could mentally scar me.
But somewhere deep within I knew this feeling wasn’t right.
I’d suffered in silence for so long and so I decided to seek help with the support of my parents. It was difficult for me to speak up because I felt I would be defeating myself. But I’v found that it isn’t wrong to admit defeat. I’ve learnt that it’s okay to say that your hurting. And that it’s only the voice of others that has influenced my belief in the terms ‘mental health’ and ‘anxiety’ being negative phrases.
Don’t get me wrong I’ll never ever truly abolish the seeds that have grown in my mind. But I will learn and teach myself to throw away the bad thoughts. To throw away the stress and panic. To throw away the pain. I will learn that this feeling will one day be only a murmur of conscience rather than a consistent demon.
My message to whoever may be reading this is don’t be afraid to speak up. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. It’s okay to not be okay. Just don’t suffer in silence.
Be open. Be honest. But most importantly be the one who though may be scared, is brave enough to fight the demons.
Be the one, who conquers the undying sufferance.